Monthly Archives: June 2016

札记几则

2016.6.4
今天是六四,而我一整天都在挣扎着写与此毫无关系的文章。晚上去学校观察了个集会,估计有一千五百人。回来接着写,很晚了,登上Facebook。看到几位系里的本地讲师,争先恐后地po上各自在维园的照片。更有甚者,一中年脱发男性竟然放了张自拍,表示哀悼。此人每日至少发五条Facebook,寂寞跃然纸上。有时系里真让我失望。

有次系里晚上聚餐,招待远道而来的某加拿大华人学者,从前也是港大圣约翰的学生。系里某位讲师,在席间很奋力地吐槽她课上的香港学生,表情之丰富,语气之夸张,令人动容。该人似乎很自豪于自己英国某tier two高校的博士学位,走去餐厅的路上,听说我想申请,便自矜地向我传授申请经验-“很多人都问我怎么申请到的,其实我觉得也没什么……”

于是想起本科时在这里受到的训练,上introduction时,某篇论文得分很低。发信去问tutor,问能否当面咨询。Tutor冷淡地回复,“请在邮件里说”。该tutor上课永远臭脸,似乎对学生说的每句话都充满怀疑。我后来成为她的同事,她已经不记得我上过她的课了。

这学期自己也当tutor,面对学生,总有力不从心之感。如今再看,学生的英文水平,也许和我当年一样捉急。只是当年并不知道如何写好英语,CAES课也并没有教。后来翻到美国名校们为本科生准备的写作手册,不禁叹息耽误了多少时光。这次改完作业,三番两次向学生安利这些免费资源。然应者寥寥。不知不觉原来我也开始吐槽学生了。

倒也不是怨愤,主要还是失望。我从这里获得很多,但香港如此富裕,而教育仍然眼光狭隘,让人感伤。地方小了,便吸引不到最好的资源。一代代自我繁殖下去,也是没有办法的事情。

2016.6.12

我对学术的心态非常焦虑。一方面,希望快点学到屠龙诀,快点写完论文,最好一个月就能写完。另一方面,又不愿意静下心来好好分析写的好的学术文章,觉得因为和自己的研究没有关系,是浪费时间。但绝知此事要躬行。周二见导师,明天得潜下心来,好好分析她的文章,才能提出有意义的问题。

Self Control

This week is crazy. I spent days dealing with visa issues: preparing trips, booking hotels and tickets, photocopying documents, going to the consulate of Netherlands, being rejected for lack of prior appointment, redesigning trips, another round of hotel and air tickets booking; preparing for US visa, etc.

The irony is I actually liked doing these chores that might be a little less meaningful than creative but exhausting academic work. I enjoyed the moment when I carefully put all the documents in a folder, and being satisfied feeling organised and neat. This is just like writing small things on my to-do-list and then put ticks next to them, which gives me a sense of fulfilment.

But this blog post is on self control. The main motivation for this is I find myself constantly fail to go to bed at the planned time. I spend hours roaming aimlessly on the Internet, watching tv series, reading about other people’s lives. I googled this symptoms, in Chinese they are called 晚睡强迫症. It is another form of procrastination actually, I am delaying sleeping.

This morning when I walked to school I realised that, 堵不如疏. When there is a need, it cannot be repressed or eliminated. It will be good enough to control and discipline the need. So when I think back, sometimes when I am online in late night, I am trying to fulfil the need to socialise. That is why sleep procrastination happens when I am alone and/or during school holidays, because the frequency of socialising decrease compared to normal school days.

To deal with this, I am thinking of reducing distractions. The first major source of distraction is smartphones that makes browsing online incredible easy. To overcome this I am considering getting a non-smart-phone (Nokia?) and only carry this phone when I am alone. That is, when I go back to dorm. When I am in office or at school, I can use smartphone because being in a social situation, the imaginary presence of audience makes it easier to discipline oneself. If I play on my cell for an hour in the office, all my colleagues will know.

The second major distraction is of course, laptop. I have this software called self-control that won’t allow you to go to certain website during a certain amount of time. It has been helpful.

But then the question is, how am I going to lead the need to socialising, the need to being laze to another place? Probably I should reserve sometime each week exclusively for relaxing, in a positive way, say hiking or leisure reading. Or meeting friends. Or better still, to writings.

Hopefully this time my effort to control myself will work better.